bumped into an invisible wall

it's been a while since i last posted anything on my blog. there are a lot things that have happened. i dont even know where to start. but no matter how much things that have happened, i dont feel as if im growing, moving forward in my life. i dont feel any "updates" in me. and to me, that feeling is boring.  okay, i may be a bit stressed out with all the school works that are piling up. but nevertheless, some "spice" in my dull, routined life woudnt kill me. i think i've kinda bumped into an invisible "wall".

my utter most problem, is ironically, my best friends. even i cant explain why my best friends can make me feel this cloudy and so down. it's not their fault. i let it slip to me myself. im the one who's too self-centered, who's asking too much attention and who's too selfish. i havent been myself these days. i dont know why. i just cant be happy with how things are now. i just have to ask for more, dont i? why do i have to keep hoping for things to get back the way it used to be? why cant i just be contended with the way things are now? okay now eventhough im yacking, but come to think of it, im actually kinda grateful. bcuz of all these, i grow. i become more mature, and wiser. i learned a life-lesson. i learned on how to deal things without having to hurt myself, both physical and emotional. but the one thing that will keep on bugging me, is why cant i be accepted? am i so controversial such that it becomes too hard for people to accept me?

honestly, i dont really have that religious life. i've stopped going to church every week, i dont really always choose the 'good' way of life and i've been releasing my stress and depression in a wrong way. i mean, deep down inside, i know that i gotta change my way in living my life ASAP or i'd go to hell for sure (okay that's exaggerating). but i just cant. with all the unhappy things that have been happening, the spirit i had before to live my life MY WAY has faded. i cant feel the flickering flames of passion, that used to be blazing and torching inside me, anymore. it's like, i've given up the ghost of me. i've kicked the bucket.

not to mention, 5 of my friends, in which two of them i have considered as my best friends, are leaving in like two weeks from now. i cant help to be afraid of the emptiness and a bit of a loneliness that i will definitely suffocate to. i dont know if they realize it that they mean the whole world to me. so when the time comes for us to go our seperate ways, i hope that it wont be a farewell, it'll just be a saying of goodbye, until we meet again, someday.

igcse coming up. this matter has come to my mind not once, not twice, but a number of times. the expectation people have in me, is quite a burden on me. not only do i have to give my hardest to fulfill their prospection, but in me, i feel something which kinda irritates me everytime i think about it, which is my hidden euphoria to succed in excelling, even surpassing, the expectation people have in me. i want to feel the high feeling of bliss that the ecstacy of transcendent gives. i know it's not quite the right dreamland, but what the heck.

i know u must think of me as an ambiguous person. im not even gonna try to deny it. i admit that im sooooo complex such that people often get the wrong idea/impression of me. that doesnt really bother me cuz im actually a very carefree person, people just cant see it. yet it wud be such a relief if people were to get to know me better, even just a tad bit about me. cuz rite now, i feel that none of my friends, maybe not even my bestest friends, can really understand my complexity and perceive how i really feel. makes me wonder about my comprehensibility by others. am i even significant to them?

what happened to our friendship?

i've been acting totally freaky and suicidal lately. i'm just not myself anymore. everything has been such a cloudy blur. i really hope that everything can go back to how it was. i hope i can like forget about everything in a flash, in a blink of an eye. i need to escape from the depressing hellhole i'm living in. i need to give myself a break from the harsh reality of this world.

i'm sick of this life
 i'm tired of this never ending battle
  why can't things go well? 
   why does everything have to fall apart? 

when everything seems to be going great
 when i've just started to enjoy my days
  of being with my best friends
   and just spending each second in their presence

i want things to go back to how it used to be
 i miss the days when my jokes were the centre of laughter
  i miss the days where nothing was with hatred and jealousy
   but the thing i miss the most is the care we had for each other

i can feel our friendship falling apart 
 where're all the hopes for our supposed-to-be forever friendship?
  and all the promises made when we first started our friendship?
   tell me, are they just false hopes and empty promises?

    has our friendship become vague?
     does our friendship still mean something to u?

no point AT ALL!

right. it's around 12:55 am now, and i still cant sleep. you know one thing about blogging in the middle of the night,,is that they're really addictive. and i mean REALLY. once u get ur hands on the keyboard you just cant stop typing. u know u shouldn't even try to connect to the server, coz u might get those dreadful dark rings round ur eyes. plus, its not healthy to stay out late. but u just cant stop. u have that irresistable urge to speak ur mind out. u know its not gonna be that great of a work, and lots of people (maybe) are gonna read what u wrote. but u know what, u just dont care. u just want to write and write...and tell the world what's up in ur mind. maybe its some way to catch attention, or maybe u just dont have anything good enough to do around the house. whatever ur reason is, one thing is for sure -well at least for me- that the blog is a drug.

seriously dude. i could like stay up all night and type and read all my blogs all over again just to check for mistakes, try to perfect all the stories and articles i've written. sometimes i would read other people's blogs to look up for new words or phrases, u know, to expand the small range of vocabulary of mine. just to improve the english language, learn the slangs. God, I'm so pathetic. there's no point in this story. it's not even a story. it's kind of like...a piece of useless writing. it is indeed.

well.. got to stop now. my eyes are aching badly. dammit. so im gonna leave it here for now. catch y'all later. oh yeah, if anyone agrees with me, leave ur comment. well.. practically i just like comments. and need it to fulfill my euphoria desire. urgh. sad, i know. whatever!  (@_@)

RACHELLE's B'DAY :DDDDDDDD

friday august 8th, 2 days ago, was rachelle joanne de vries' bday. the day before her birthday, on thursday, i planned on staying up to 00.00 am to wish her a happy birthday. but then, just 15 minutes to go before midnight, i fell into sleep, right at 11.45 pm. the next day, i woke up at 6 in the morning just to realize that i overslept. then i became pissed and blamed myself for my stupidity.

so i took a shower, changed into my uniform and had my breakfast before i went to school. after i had arrived, i went straight to my class without taking a visit to rachelle's class (we're not in the same class). i couldn't bear to face her as i regretted that i could be such an idiot that i overslept. so the whole day i was avoiding her.

but when the day was over, i couldn't keep on avoiding her. so i went downstairs, ready with the present i had prepared for her, and searched for her, along with hestia, nat and pat. we met her at the stairs. i immediately wished her a happy birthday and said sorry cuz i didn't wish her a happy bday as i overslept. i was kinda relieved when she said that it was okay and that she appreciated it.

after that, we followed rachelle to the canteen, where everyone else, including alver nia and milla, were already gathered. the cake, two cakes actually, one brought by rachelle's mom and the other one was a present from alver for her, were on the table. i saw the stacks of presents grouped together on one of the benches. we lit up the candles and we sang two songs, 'happy birthday' and 'tiup lilinnya'. then, after making a wish, she blew the candles in one try, but didn't manage to blow off all the candles, so she blew them once again and finally all the candles were blown off.

after that, she started to cut the cake which her mom brought. but she sorta messed the cake up so milla, alver and sara helped her. they cut the cake into square slices and distributed them to everyone who were gathered there. the cake was mostly chocolate and was so good. when that cake was finished, we cut the other one brought by alver and distributed it to the others who didn't get the cake. this time it was a tiramisu, which was delicious as well.

after it was over, we got rid of the trash (the part i didn't really like XP). at last, lunch was over and the bell rang, telling everyone that it was CCA time. i said goodbye and thankyou to her and went to get ready for my CCA (bowling, which was located at plaza senayan :D).

anyway, we all had fun. we ate together and shared the joy and the laughter of her birthday. she seemed happy and was smiling and laughing throughout the day. that birthday was special to her, 08.08.08. eight has always been her favourite number. oh and i was also glad when she told me that she likes my present. i was worried of what she might think of my present. but nonetheless, she likes it and i'm glad :)

SHELL, I WISH YOU A HAPPY, CRAZY B'DAY! WISH YOU ALL THE BEST AND ALL THE LUCK AND ALL THE HAPPINESS AND EVERYTHING THAT YOU LIKE!!  :D

[every1, sorry for all the mistakes and grammatical errors i made in this blog. i'm in such a hurry. i know, it's horribly full of mistakes. sorry y'all  :| ]

a father's journey to Eden

it's funny sometimes how you think about life, especially when you were young. when you're still in primary school, you think life's an easy journey, without barriers or obstacles of any kind. you think that everything's gonna be okay because you believe your dad can fix anything and everybody likes you and they never say bad things about you. and you look up to celebrities, atheletes, you worship them and you have dreams and high hopes on becoming them. you look in the mirror and you see a champion, your daddy always says that you are a champion, and he always call you that whenever he's talking to his friends, you're always happy with your reflection. you think you look amazing. you get good grades at school, the teachers love you and you have many friends. you just know that you're the best.

as you grow older, around your junior and senior years, you'll meet a few people who start to dislike you, and you'll meet a few people that you dislike. you'll have problem with pimples all over your face and other body-changes which you experience. you'll start to have feeling for the opposite sex, or in some cases, the same sex. suddenly some people criticize you for your appearance. you hate your own reflection, and you start to realize that your body have so many flaws. you're hair's a horrible disaster, you're too fat, your nose's too big, your eyes are too small, you're too short, etc. you start having arguments with your parents, about small things like allowance and girlfriends to big problems like your future. you start to learn that the world is cruel and cold. in this time of your life, you're struggling hard to find your identity, you'll feel lonely at times. and daddy doesn't call you a champion anymore, because you told him to stop cause your friends think it's ridiculous. and for the first time, mommy's hugs won't help. and you hate fairy tales, you envy their happy endings.

as you go to college and start to work, you'll see the world with both eyes open. you'll see the different problems different people have. you start to learn how to survive, you become more mature and independent, and you start to gain confidence. you become more serious in your work, you communicate as adults with your parents and you start to seek a serious relationship, not just a crush, but true love. you start thinking about marriage and you start planning your future. you'll have more realistic dreams, you'll have a realistic goal. unlike your younger days, when you want to be superman, now, you just want to get a promotion, or finish college. you aim lower, you become more concerned and careful in making decisions. you become wiser, and you'll start to accept yourself with your flaws and all. you become a true adult.

as your age gets older, you'll lose your youth physically. you'll have worse eye-vision, you start to get forgetful in your old days. you'll have grandchildren and retire from your work. you become less interested in the world, you get bored easily, you become tired and you just want to relax. you'll love to sleep and just sit on your porch, watching the nature revolve. you'll stop your diet and be less concerned about your looks, you start to eat healthy food so your diabetes wont relapse . you're bold and you'll miss your children so badly because now they have their own family to take care of. but you're proud of yourself, because you have succeed in building your own empire, your own family, and you have marked your existance in the world since your fist child was born. you are proud because you succeeded on becoming five different men at one lifetime, a husband, a son, a grandchild, a grandfather, and most importantly, a father. your job is done. and sometimes, you find yourself just waiting for death.

and today, today you'll know something new is about to happen. you sensed it, and you know you can't be wrong. as you lay your head on your pillow and close your eyes, you see your wife and a man beside her. you're not afraid, you wont open your eyes, you dont want to, because you know your time is up. the man beside your wife stretched out his hand, you reach for it and you feel safe, you feel warm, the greatest joy in your life. you smile... but your children cry, like you used to long ago, when your daddy died.

heh, don't we all?

i was parked in front of the mall wiping off my car. i had just come from the car wash and was waiting for my wife to get out of work. coming my way from across the parking lot was what society would consider a bum. 

from the looks of him, he had no car, no home, no clean clothes, and no money. there are times when you feel generous but there are other times that you just don't want to be bothered. this was one of those "don't want to be bothered times." 

"i hope he doesn't ask me for any money," i thought. he didn't. 
he came and sat on the curb in front of the bus stop but he didn't look like he could have enough money to even ride the bus. after a few minutes, he spoke. "that's a very pretty car," he said. he was ragged but he had an air of dignity around him. his scraggly 
blonde beard keep more than his face warm. 
i said, "thanks," and continued wiping off my car. 


he sat there quietly as i worked. the expected plea for money never came. as the silence between us widened something inside said, "ask him if he needs any help."
i was sure that he would say "yes" but i held true to the inner voice. 
"do you need any help?" i asked.

he answered in three simple but profound words that i shall never forget. we often look for wisdom in great men and women. we expect it from those of higher learning and accomplishments. i expected nothing but an outstretched grimy hand. he spoke the three words that shook me.

"don't we all?" he said. 

i was feeling high and mighty, successful and important, above a bum in the street, until those three words hit me like a twelve gauge shotgun. 
don't we all? 
i needed help. maybe not for bus fare or a place to sleep, but i needed help. i reached in my wallet and gave him not only enough for bus fare, but enough to get a warm meal and shelter for the day. 

those three little words still ring true. no matter how much you have, no matter how much you have accomplished, you need help too. no matter how little you have, no matter how loaded you are with problems, even without money or a place to sleep, you can give help. 

even if it's just a compliment, you can give that. you never know when you may see someone that appears to have it all. they are waiting on you to give them what they don't have. a different perspective on life, a glimpse at something beautiful, a respite from daily chaos, that only you through a torn world can see. 

maybe the man was just a homeless stranger wandering the streets. maybe he was more than that. maybe he was sent by a power that is great and wise, to minister a soul too comfortable in themselves. maybe god looked down, called an angel, dressed him like a bum, then said, "go minister to that man cleaning the car, that man needs help."
but hey, don’t we all?

a couple of inspiring, fictional stories

be grateful of everything God has given
- a fictional story

a young man was getting ready to graduate college. for many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. 

as graduation day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study. his father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. he handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. 

curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound bible. angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, "with all your money you give me a bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book. 

many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. he had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. he had not seen him since that graduation day. before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. he needed to come home immediately and take care things. when he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. 

he began to search his father's important papers and saw the still new bible, just as he had left it years ago. with tears, he opened the bible and began to turn the pages. as he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the bible. it had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. on the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words ‘paid in full’.

"how many times do we miss god's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?"

accepting people
- a fictional story

a story is told about a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in vietnam. he called his parents from san francisco. 

"mom and dad, i'm coming home, but i've a favor to ask. i have a friend i'd like to bring home with me." 

"sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him." 

"there's something you should know,” the son continued, "he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. he stepped on a land mine and lost an arm and a leg. he has nowhere else to go, and i want him to come live with us." 

"i'm sorry to hear that, son. maybe we can help him find somewhere to live." 

"no, mom and dad, i want him to live with us." 

"son," said the father, "you don't know what you're asking. someone with such a handicap would be a terrible burden on us. we have our own lives to live, and we can't let something like this interfere with our lives. i think you should just come home and forget about this guy. he'll find a way to live on his own." 

at that point, the son hung up the phone. the parents heard nothing more from him. a few days later, however, they received a call from the san francisco police. their son had died after falling from a building, they were told. the police believed it was suicide. the grief-stricken parents flew to san francisco and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. they recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn't know, their son had only one arm and one leg. 

the parents in this story are like many of us. we find it easy to love those who are good-looking or fun to have around, but we don't like people who inconvenience us or make us feel uncomfortable. we would rather stay away from people who aren't as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we are. thankfully, there's someone who won't treat us that way. someone who loves us with an unconditional love that welcomes us into the forever family, regardless of how messed up we are. and that someone is none other than God.

i hope God will give me the strength i need to accept people as they are, and to help us all be more understanding of those who are different from us

"friends are a very rare jewel, indeed
they make you smile and encourage you to succeed
they lend an ear, they share a word of praise
and they always want to open their hearts to us."

- Anonymous

love needs no showing

sometimes loving needs no showing
just a feeling inside the heart.
by little things u know that im watching
but sometimes little are just too small

sometimes missing need so much patience
and people are often impatient.
only a love as great as mine,
can bear this never ending yearning

because of you i surrender
because of you i stay strong
all this are always kept inside
coz i know some love needs no showing

all times best friends

we've got a lot of memories, 
but there isn't much time.
i'm sitting here thinking of, 
the day we say goodbye.

our friendship is so strong.
it seems like nothing could go wrong.
we know even when you're gone;
we got the strength to carry on?

because, we are the best there is yet and,
we are what not a lot of people get and,
we are the thing that people want because, 
we're there for a shoulder to cry on.
no one can make us change our minds,
because we'll be best friends for all time.

it seems there are so many people 
who have a different friend everyday,
we thank god for each other
cause not lots of friends stay this way.

we've had our up and downs.
we've circled round and round.
but then we finally found
a friendship so bound with trust!

we laugh at things no one seems
to think is quite that funny.
we make weird faces sometimes.
we say things people would hide.
we'll be best friends till we die.
when you leave we're going to cry;
but sometimes life is unkind,
least we'll be friends for all time.

BESTFRIENDS WORTHY TO BE CRIED FOR

really, really, there r so many things that im feeling right now. i feel like exploding anytime soon if i dont share these thoughts and these feelings inside me. idk why, but i just feel like writing this all of a sudden, it seemed like something inside me, surged me in such a way that it overwhelmed me to tell everyone about these thoughts inside my head. so, what i actually wanna share is about my best friends. right now, i feel so blessed and loved for God has given me such wonderful besties in my life. best, true friends are something i've been searching for my whole life, but i've never really found any. so at that time when God gave me true friends, i felt reborn and warm inside. i felt as if something that had been weighing me all this time has been removed. so i felt really lighter, cheerful and i can finally felt the taste of joy for the first time i could remember ever since i started going to school, these are the ones who make my days joyful and bring fond happiness in my life.

DARMA

we always play dare in truth or dare, cuz we already know the truth. we know each other's deepest secrets. we just want faithful, true friends who we can share our secrets with down to the bottom of our hearts, where we can tell our deepest secrets devoid of any fear or shame of whatsoever. we seek each other's words in any form, critics, advices, support, whatevs. with you, i can freely tell everything without any doubts and uncertainties. we won't publicize each other's secrets, so we don't have anything to worry about. so whatever happens to us, i just wanna let u know how irreplaceable u are. u, too, r my big brother, my BEST FRIEND!!

MEIDI

sista!! sharing the happy and the bad times, sharing everything, we'd just let it all go out and be ourselves. we'll go crazy and know no shame. u've been one of the most fun and craziest friend i've ever had. i hope i can be the fun for u like u've been to me too. let's just forget about all the blues we have and turn our frown into smiles. let's change the dim, gray sky into blue and have fun!! u may not have the material stuff, but u have what it matters in ur heart. u are true to your words and ur heart is pure. i'm really glad u're my friend. :)

DEMAS

my big brother, my best friend, the one who helped me meeting God and made my bond with God stronger. i think it wasn't a coincidence meeting him. i think God has planned that moment when i met demas at the first place. i can never show my thanks enough to you, dem. and i can never pour my feelings to him into words. so i can only hope that u'll understand how grateful i am and how big my thx to u is. i owe you heaps, big time. without you being in my life, i might've still been the jerk living under the ways of the evil. but with your kind, sincere and genuine words, i changed and evolved to be a better person. at least, now i know who God is, or at least i think i do. so dem, u saved my life. u saved me from the dark life i've been living in and u saved my whole life. and with that, my thx to u will never be enough. i can never repay you back, even if i pay you with my life, cuz u're my hero who saved my life, my brother who i dearly love and my BEST FRIEND who i can trust my life into!!!

MICH

u're the kind of friend everyone can trust. u're the kind of friend whose honesty, devotion and faithfulness is trust-worthy. u're the kind of friend who can know the right thing to say in any situation. u're the kind of friend who i can depend on. i see how u live ur imperfect life, which inspired me to be just as strong and independent like you are. u keep coming on by, eventhough we were never really that close. but u have this 'thing' that forces me to come close to u without me realizing. u really r my big sis, koolios!! so yea, u rock, sis.

NIA

u've always been an inspiration to me. i look up to you, you WOWed me and took me aback. you really are a great person. keep being an inspiration and you'll be well known for that pure heart of yours. everyone can see right through you that you're truly a diamon. you may still be rough, but once polished, you'll shine as bright as ever. you taught me a lot of lessons in life which i can't possibly pay you back. i can just give my utmost respect and gratitude to you. i really hope that you can achieve whatever you wish and hope for. i know that you'll be one irreplaceable diamond that will shine upon other's darkness. like it or not, i've considered you as one of my bestest friend, sister.

BIANCA

heyyyy. a sister and a best friend who i can share and express how i feel. you showed ur tender and genuine heart. u touched my heart with ur honest approach. i've never met anyone like u before. u have the beauty, inside and outside, but mostly, the warmth and the joy i was engulfed with when i'm with u, were mostly oozing from ur inner perfection. u're wonderful as u can give without remembering and receive without forgetting. u're like a charming gardener who make my soul blossom. u just make my day beautiful cuz ur kindness touches it. and i'm sure that u'll have a fulfilling life cuz u are always rejoicing at what u have. i thank u from the bottom of my heart, but for u, my heart has no bottom. :)

MIKE

the most modest and kindest friend i've ever had. u gave me critics to build myself up even when there's a chance that i would end up hating u. but u took that risk and still support me. ur sincerity and honesty strengthen my personality, my character as well as my beliefs. without ur help, i'll never have this confidence i have in myself. my insecurity withered and dispersed away as u, along with demas and darma, came into my life and touched my heart. Godbless, my brother, my best friend.  :)

gosh!! my eyes r feeling watery right now cuz the thoughts of when i finally have to move out to a whole different place when i have to live on and pursue my future life, and when the time comes for me to seperate from u guys, parting ways and going to different paths and directions, and that i'll never meet any of you guys or that u guys will never be in my life anymore. these kind of thoughts are piercing me, they bring me pain and agony, bleeding me, making me cry, hurting me. (exaggerating much XD)

so anyway, i'm just gonna skip the whole teary part and get right down to my last bit of thought and feeling. i really truly hope, that when we finally part ways to pursue the different plans God has in store for each one of us and to live our own future that God has set for us, we'll someday really meet again. thus, when we finally have to seperate our ways, to go to the different paths that God has written in his diary, remember that it'll never be farewell, cuz we're just saying goodbye for now, 'till we meet again someday.

~ by calvin laurent, who values his best friends as priceless treasure; life's invaluable bonus

the one who can see me

i've lately looked to the mirror to find out what i lack, but the mirror has no opinions. it doesn't see how i act. it only sees my appearance, it knows nothing more. it doesn't see how i am outside, what i’m like outside that door. 

i've lately looked to the door for guidance, for direction, for a way. but the door can't choose it for me, i have to decide which path to take. i have to open it myself then direct my steps from there. outside, the possibilities blind me, there are dreams in the air.

i've lately looked to the sky, to find opportunity. but the dreams there belong to others. there's nothing just for me. there are many places I can go from here. each direction better than the last. i wish i had a friend to help.

an acquaintance from the past, he would answer some of my questions like, should I go far or stay near? instead, he gives me some different advices. advices i don't want to hear he says, to go back to the beginning, that I’m starting off far too soon.

but then i realize i haven't moved at all. i’m still here, in the same room. so i look to a different mirror. not for the outside, but in this 'mirror', is the one who helped me; the one I can call a friend.

unlike the mirror, this friend can judge.
he can show me the way, unlike the door.
unlike the sky, his advice is only for me.

unlike me, he's been there before.

i wake up a 'new' me

i closed my eyes
with crinkled brows
and bitten lip

the chronicles of my life began to surface
bits by bits
every second
touching me, piercing me, stabbing me
which made me bleed in pain

i could feel
through my closed eyes
the tears welling up
ready to flow out like a stream anytime
which shrunk me and shied me away

i could see nothing
pitch black in the middle of the darkness
my nerves trembled and cowered
my heart thumped and raced
which was in a dire need of oxygen to breathe

but then, the faces of my friends
my utmost precious treasure
lit up in my head
with a popping sound
which made me giggle everytime it popped

it made me recall
all those happy memoirs i actually have
inside my head
and etched into the recesses of my brain
which made me able to sigh in relief

i can now open my eyes
without any worries or doubts of whatsoever
freed from all uncertainties and qualms
and i can live my days again at liberty devoid of any fear

so with a wide smile on my face
as an evidence and proof of contentment and satisfaction with my life
of knowing that i will always have my friends offering helping hands to me whenever i need any
and with that realization and fulfillment in hand,

i opened my eyes
but this time, along with my heart

stupidity ;)

stupidity ;p (always see d bright, +ve side)

most people say being stupid will lead no where. they claim that it is the worst possible condition in which to spend one's life, and if possible, it should be completely avoided. yet, perhaps if people took a closer look at some of the advantages stupidity had to offer, they wouldn't have such a negative attitude toward it. after reading this paper, one will understand the advantages of stupidity.

admittedly, stupidity has certain disadvantages. life isn't a bowl of cherries. and being stupid doesn't make it any fruitier. being stupid can annoy even the most sensitive people. if one acts stupid, and does it in the wrong crowd, like a group of adults, it will seem more immature than funny. if one is forced to act stupid while dealing with lower life forms, for example, high school teachers, one may encounter barriers such as cruelty and insensitivity, with the utterance of statements like, "think with your head straight!" or, "you have a brain, use it." yet these are all true, there are still many advantages to stupidity. 

the first advantage is very easy to understand. stupid people are never asked to do a lot. many have noticed that people tend to steer away from someone they feel may be stupid. this is for a very good reason. the stupidity which they posses makes a name for themselves, a name which can be very difficult to shake. possibly, it is a word which describes the working habits of the person, such as "crappy". yet, this creates a positive situation for the stupid person. they will have a lot of free time on their hands for more of life’s truly meaningful pleasures. some of these activities are combing facial hair, and counting the pixels on a sony tv. now, there has been a rumour going around that suggests that stupid people have low expectations. this is true. they are so stupid that they don't realize great from o.k. They could have a sanyo cordless phone, but would probably choose instead a pierre cardin alarm clock telephone, because it comes free with their sensamatic folding bed. and someone with the "advantage" of stupidity might have a hard time doing certain tasks, or setting things up. yet this isn't all bad. for example, if a stupid person leaves the chore, and comes back to it later, no one will be able to understand it. Would they get fired from their job? no. for the very simple reason that no one would understand their work except for them. the job would have to be given back to the stupid person, perhaps with a higher salary, or someone would do it for them, leaving them with even more free time! 

free time is great for brainstorming (admittedly this seems to be a bad choice of words!). yet the ideas stupid people create tend to be original. for example, when was the last time someone stupid said something, and made one think about it? it seems that people are always talking about someone else’s dumb idea. an example of such an idea would be, "how many stories will that english teacher drop before having a stroke?" this would suggest that stupid people may have the upper hand when it comes to thinking up original ideas. in fact, the next time someone wants an original idea for something, they should try talking to their local, community stupid person. the reason for this is that while a stupid person thinks with his head, he does not do so an organized manner. this is why they have so much creativity. by thinking in this fashion, their ideas have a natural tendency to flow more easily, without the interruptions which occur from the editing of thoughts that logical people would have normally. thus if someone else should say to one, "that was a stupid idea!" one should merely look that person straight in the eye, and say, "thank-you!" this also means that the claim, "stupid minds think alike." is not true. all stupid minds have different ideas, each idea being original. 

one of the final advantages of stupidity is that stupid people are always remembered, even after graduation day. it has been noticed how a quiet person is always hard to detect, and often remains anonymous. there is a very good reason for this. the mind has a hard time keeping quiet people in its memory track. but it is much easier and pleasing for the mind to remember someone really stupid. anyways, when was the last time one laughed at an idiot in one’s grade 9 class? when was the last time one laughed at the little kid at the back of the room? the evidence here proves how stupid people last longer in someone’s thoughts. the largest advantage which arises from stupidity is that it takes up 2/3 of DNA storage space, which is excellent for keeping stupidity in the family.

thus, stupidity clearly has many advantages, as long as someone is smart enough to use them! it is important to understand that stupid people are like all other humans physically. yet, because of the difference between smart and stupid people, smart human beings should give them some breathing space. teachers can learn that someone graced with stupidity, deserves more respect. after all, they are special. they're stupid!

i opened my eyes, because of You, Dad

i think i've been closing my eyes all this long.
it wasn't until recently that i finally opened my eyes.
i've been blinded. by the world.
idk why i've been so stupid.
i've been so deceived by the manipulator.
but nonetheless, Lord, You still gave me the holy kind of revival.
i'm so happy that You have opened my eyes. something which i think i don't deserve.
curse myself. i really don't deserve this kind of revival.
You're so kind. so lovely. i love You. You're the best, Dad.
You care about all the people in this world, no exception.
sometimes i wonder. how eternal, Your love is.
now Jesus, You have landed in my heart.
You're my new best friend.
You gave me 'eternal life', right at the moment when i accepted You in my heart, when I truly found 'You'.
and for that, Dad, i can't thank You enough.
the dust that has been covering, blinding me, has been blown away by the wind.
now, i can fully see the world, with my new, revived eyes.
i can see the real 'truth' and the 'meaning' of You, God.
thanks thanks thanks thanks and gazillions thanks for You.
love love love love love love and gazillions love for You.
You're my saviour, my Almighty, my Lord, my Dad, my one and only Jesus Christ, 
my everything...

life long camaraderie

so many things shape what we become 
minute to large influences add up to one sum 

many individuals have touched our paths 
from the preachers who preached to our folks who gave baths 

and those parents must have shown us a lesson or two 
and our teachers often taught us the false and the true 

even neighbors who helped with a requisite loan 
or relatives we'd only met on the phone 

without any we'd be somehow different today 
if still present we're thankful for the roles that they play 

but it's hard to believe you've touched someone the same 
they may not have known you or even your name 

but believe that we're significant in this brief life 
we help one another through lessons and strife

there's hope and there's friendship with others who care 
we're never alone in these lives that we share 

so let 'fellowship' grow among women and men
and be blessed with gladness of 'camaraderie' again and again

"goodbye for now"

no matter what

let's be unchanging friends

dreaming of tomorrow

by hope's path

like a bird

flying freely in the sky

"goodbye for now
until we meet again~"

leaving those

happy times behind

it's time for us

who walk different paths

not to say farewell

but just

"goodbye for now"

till we meet again...

prayer paradox: u'll be there

Father,

i know i'm so not a good Christian, by all means. of course, i feel afraid sometimes, afraid of knowing what would happen to me when the time for me to rest eternally finally comes. i'm far from what You expect from me, so far that it will eventually reach a point where i may not have the sufficient time to repent my sins. but i believe and i know that God, that You, will always forgive me, for You are my Father, the Almighty Father. no matter how much time i've got left, i know You'll always be there, smiling warmly to me, with Your arms stretched out, offering me Your helping hands in order to guide me into Your right path.

sometimes, i truly wish that You would enlighten me in a way or the other, more brighter to make it more clear, God. i'm dumb, an idiot, about these religious matters. but i have to believe that You will always create a star brighter than the sun to enlighten me to the path that'll lead to Your unconditional love. because if i can't even believe that You'll be there for me, then who will? You're the one whom i trus the most, cuz simply, You're my God. You're my best friend, my heavenly Father, my Almighty, my light of hope, my helping hand, my shoulder to cry on, You....You mean everything to me, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

so God, i'm just gonna have to cut it right here. i've got soooooo many things to tell You and share with You, o Father. but sometimes, my true feelings are just too complex for me to shout my heart out, and pour them into words of expression, as i become too overwhelmed by that feelings. so God, You'll just gonna have to be there, until i meet You face to face. when that time comes, You'll understand my feelings for sure, which i know You have, You know everything after all. i'll be telling you the story of what i really feel about You, my Lord. that way, i'm gonna be able to love u back with the similar unconditional love like Your love to me. but until then, until we meet each other for the very first time, let's call it a stop right here - !

in Jesus name i pray,
Amen.

my beloved parents

my life, up until now, has been nothing but utter bafflement. but hey, that's life. but it sure is a great thing to have a supportive family by my side. i mean, have u ever felt desperate enough that you just wanna flee from existence, that your life's going to break into pieces in just a matter of seconds and that you're clinging for your dear life onto even the tiniest bit of hope in order to just survive in the cruel world?
well, i have. and at that time, i instinctively went for my mom's warm hands, hoping for her to make me feel safe and sound once again like she used to, before i reached the point when i ask her to stop comforting me cuz i felt i wasn't a kid anymore. but hey mom, i'll still consider myself as your kid cuz i'm still and will always be your lil kid. =)

back to the story. so often, the harsh reality of life hits our head and we're lost without any ideas of whatsoever. believe me, the support of your family matters, big time.

my dad has always been the hard yet gentle kind of dad. but he's amazing from the lowest point of zero, he managed to rise up higher and higher until this much. although his childhood, both early and late, had never been, frankly speaking, rather as happy as mine. he had lost his mother when he was just still a baby. fuck, he could barely even talk. ever since, he has always been the kind of person who has a bit of a problem in socializing. he never gets a mother's sincere and unconditional love so he has always been somewhat rigid. but all those unhappy memories of him in the past, made him who he is now, and all those experiences he gains in life, keeps making him a better and better person. so i'm pretty sure that he's actually grateful for whatever happened in his past.

my mom and my dad are my parents, so i have to respect them and love them with all my heart, which i do. i'm sure i'm not the best son ever, but hey, i can't be perfect, everyone has flaws =P, and moreover, i'm still their son, like it or not. and i appreciate it when they make me happy. i wanna do the same to them, make them happy. but all i could do is just creating problems and making things even worse. so i hope that someday, i can make them happy. and right now, i feel extremely desperate. cuz this time, my mom's hugs won't do me any good anymore. i have to stand by my own two feet all alone. i just wanna make them happy as a return for they have been taking care of me, and are still taking care of me, the best way they can and i'm deeply grateful for that cuz there's no other way i want them to take care of me. so, i just wanna be a good son for them and make them proud of me, as simple as that. i hope i can fulfill their expectations and hopes for me. cuz they're my beloved parents.

the first post - my hopes and my sister

hi every1

my new blog's finally done! only a few people read my friendster blog, so i wanted to make another one. as my friends have been creating blogs in blogspot.com, i thought im gonna make one as well. nia's and hanna's (both are new bloggers) blogs are amazing. their blogs are really inspiring. i started my blog earlier than them but i have to give my hands down to them.

*HANDS DOWN*

i hope my blog can be an inspiration for others, just like nia's and hanna's blogs have been for me. i LOVE to write and pour what's in my heart into words. i'm very corny and cheesy in writing. but what reason do i have not to be cheesy? cheesy isn't always neccessarily bad, cuz sometimes, people are just too full of themselves for them to be cheesy.

(what the hell am i talking bout? incoherent, sprawling and tedious rambling much? @_@)

i hope my blog'll turn out the way i want it to be, good and extravagant. i read my sis's blog (without her knowing it) and was taken aback by her amazing english language skill - her grammar and her wide range of vocabulary. really, when i was messing around her blog, i felt more motivated to learn more by each post i read. i won't and can't lose to her! lol. she's  the one who inspired me to make my first blog (my friendster blog).

the only thing that bugs me about her is that, after all those flabbergasting posts, she still thinks that her english's poor. damn her! at times, i just feel like shaking her hard to snap her out of her daytime fantasy to make her realize of that wonder-talent of hers that God had gifted her. i don't know whether she's an idiot or just being modest, but whatever it is, she's still my irreplaceable, one and only SISTER! =P

talking bout my sister, she's gone to the states to continue in her studies. to be honest, i'm really sad, watching her go. i must say that we like to fight, and i thought because of the fact that we often fight, that i wouldn't be feeling any sadness or whatsoever when she leaves. but i was so wrong. i was kinda upset. i wasn't expected to cry at the airport on the day she left cuz i'm not the emotional kind of person. and i thought that i wouldn't cry myself either. but when she kissed me goodbye, on my cheek, my eyes watered and i have to hold myself from shedding any tear. i was overwhelmed. i think that perhaps, the fact that we often fight was the main cause which brought us close to each other. we learned lessons through our fights and therefore, being able to mature to a wise and responsible individual.

so, this ends the post cuz i g2g now. and i also ran out of ideas what to write in this first post of the blog. bye  :)