it's been a while since i last posted anything on my blog. there are a lot things that have happened. i dont even know where to start. but no matter how much things that have happened, i dont feel as if im growing, moving forward in my life. i dont feel any "updates" in me. and to me, that feeling is boring. okay, i may be a bit stressed out with all the school works that are piling up. but nevertheless, some "spice" in my dull, routined life woudnt kill me. i think i've kinda bumped into an invisible "wall".
my utter most problem, is ironically, my best friends. even i cant explain why my best friends can make me feel this cloudy and so down. it's not their fault. i let it slip to me myself. im the one who's too self-centered, who's asking too much attention and who's too selfish. i havent been myself these days. i dont know why. i just cant be happy with how things are now. i just have to ask for more, dont i? why do i have to keep hoping for things to get back the way it used to be? why cant i just be contended with the way things are now? okay now eventhough im yacking, but come to think of it, im actually kinda grateful. bcuz of all these, i grow. i become more mature, and wiser. i learned a life-lesson. i learned on how to deal things without having to hurt myself, both physical and emotional. but the one thing that will keep on bugging me, is why cant i be accepted? am i so controversial such that it becomes too hard for people to accept me?
honestly, i dont really have that religious life. i've stopped going to church every week, i dont really always choose the 'good' way of life and i've been releasing my stress and depression in a wrong way. i mean, deep down inside, i know that i gotta change my way in living my life ASAP or i'd go to hell for sure (okay that's exaggerating). but i just cant. with all the unhappy things that have been happening, the spirit i had before to live my life MY WAY has faded. i cant feel the flickering flames of passion, that used to be blazing and torching inside me, anymore. it's like, i've given up the ghost of me. i've kicked the bucket.
not to mention, 5 of my friends, in which two of them i have considered as my best friends, are leaving in like two weeks from now. i cant help to be afraid of the emptiness and a bit of a loneliness that i will definitely suffocate to. i dont know if they realize it that they mean the whole world to me. so when the time comes for us to go our seperate ways, i hope that it wont be a farewell, it'll just be a saying of goodbye, until we meet again, someday.
igcse coming up. this matter has come to my mind not once, not twice, but a number of times. the expectation people have in me, is quite a burden on me. not only do i have to give my hardest to fulfill their prospection, but in me, i feel something which kinda irritates me everytime i think about it, which is my hidden euphoria to succed in excelling, even surpassing, the expectation people have in me. i want to feel the high feeling of bliss that the ecstacy of transcendent gives. i know it's not quite the right dreamland, but what the heck.
i know u must think of me as an ambiguous person. im not even gonna try to deny it. i admit that im sooooo complex such that people often get the wrong idea/impression of me. that doesnt really bother me cuz im actually a very carefree person, people just cant see it. yet it wud be such a relief if people were to get to know me better, even just a tad bit about me. cuz rite now, i feel that none of my friends, maybe not even my bestest friends, can really understand my complexity and perceive how i really feel. makes me wonder about my comprehensibility by others. am i even significant to them?
